Rewriting Bad Books

Another kind of fanfiction.


Disclaimer: Nothing I rewrite belongs to me.


I take requests, comments, etc, by email "rewritingbadbooks@gmail.com"

Notes From the Editor’s Chair: Chapter 3:

(Dear Ms. James, it’s okay to summarize, especially when your story is boring as fuck)

Didn’t think it was possible for anything to be more boring than Chapter 2? Think again!

Sorry I took so long with this, guys. I was able to do maybe two paragraphs a night before wanting to throw my computer across the room. “Bored now.”

Here are my editing notes:

THIS CONVERSATION IS SO STUPID.

Kate: “OH MY GOD, ANA, HE GAVE YOU HIS PHONE NUMBER TO ORGANISE THE PHOTOSHOOT. HE MUST LUUURVE YOU.”
Me: BUT HOW ELSE WOULD THEY SORT OUT THE PHOTOSHOOT WITH HIM? THAT’S OBVIOUSLY A BUSINESS NUMBER, NOT A PERSONAL ONE. MY GOD THESE CHARACTERS ARE STUPID.

The whole “BUT WHO WILL PHOTOGRAPH CHRISTIAN GREY?” drama is pointless. CUT.

OMG SHE SAID “RELATIONSHIP” LET ME SQUEAL LIKE A SMALL CHILD AND FORGET THAT PEOPLE HAVE CAN HAVE ALL SORTS OF RELATIONSHIPS. WITH THEIR FRIENDS, WITH THEIR FAMILY, THEIR COLLEAGUES, HELL, EVEN WITH THAT GUY WHO WORKS AT STARBUCKS MONDAY MORNING.

RELATIONSHIPS: Not just for people you’re fucking.

All that stuff about Ana calling José is unnecessary padding, and I’m cutting it.

I know that Ana calling Grey “sir” is supposed to foreshadow some-BDSM-thing, but it’s coming across as so CONTRIVED. Cut.

ANA ISN’T A PERSON. GOOD LORD. WHO GETS PISSY WHEN THEIR “BEST FRIEND” STARTS TALKING ABOUT GUYS WITH THEM? GUYS THEY LIKE?

Ana, unless you’re actually dreaming of his eyes literally smoking, while dressed in coveralls with long legs and long fingers, you’re having a sex dream.

I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt because it’s a dream, and I’ve had weirder ones. But smoking eyes shouldn’t make your DEEP DARK UNEXPLORED PLACES get excited.

Totally irrelevant side note: While we’re talking about dreams and writing… The other night, I had a dream that John Green was sitting on my couch. I fangirled and was all like, “OH MY GOD, CAN I TWEET THAT YOU’RE SITTING ON MY COUCH, JOHN GREEN?” He said yes. It was amazing.

The whole “WHO’S DRIVING IN WHAT CAR” drama? Yeah, it’s not drama. CUTCUTCUT.

By now it’s clear that EL doesn’t know how to write conflict.

LOGIC ATTACK:

The book says that Kate talked to the manager of the Heathman, and presumably told him about her article, because in exchange for a credit in said article, he let her have a free room for the morning. Yet when she gets there and explains she’s photographing OMG CHRISTIAN GREY, she’s upgraded to a suite. Surely she would have told the manager what the article was about when she called him?

This is SLOPPY writing. The conversation about being bumped up to a suite exists solely so the receptionist can point out that Christian Grey is staying in the hotel’s largest suite. LAZY, SLOPPY, BAD WRITING.

This pacing is baaaad.

His pants hang from his hips do they, James? Well he must be wearing them wrong. My pants hang from my nose.

SO MUCH OF THIS IS PADDING. SO MUCH UNNECESSARY SHIT. ARGH. SUMMARIZE, JAMES. SUMMARIZE YOUR CHARACTERS’ ACTIONS.

All that car drama is stupid. I am cutting it. Snip snip snip.

In my rewrite, you may notice me taking the piss out of how much Ana blushes. There’s something to look forward to.

How can it be hard to tell if someone is smiling or not? It can be hard to tell if someone is sincere or not, but smiles are pretty damn obvious. Grr.

No. No, I am not writing out Ana’s tea drinking ritual in detail like James did. It is stupid and irrelevant.

Guys, your protagonist is fascinated by some guy unwrapping a muffin.

“Hey babe. Want me to unwrap your muffin?”

All of that “You’re mysterious” stuff is only there because of this book’s Twilight origins. I’m cutting it. Christian Grey does not find Ana mysterious.

We’ve covered “introducing the family” in Chapter 2, and it was like pulling teeth then. I won’t go over it again.

I did not know that Chapter 3 could be more boring than Chapter 2. I clearly underestimated EL James. Chapter 3 is dreadful and full of uninteresting information, conveyed via obvious and contrived info-dumps.

MELODRAMATIC BICYCLE? WHAT THE FUCK. It’s gonna be a bus in my version. I’d like to run this chick over with it.

Take reading to a whole new level? No thanks.

There’s a sex shop here (New Zealand, if you’re curious), advertising 50 Shades of Grey. Their radio ad says:

“Join in the excitement like Ana and Mr. Grey … Take reading to a whole new level.”

NO. NO NO NO. That is not how you take reading to a new level. Fifty Shades of Grey readers, if you want to take reading to the next level, READ BETTER BOOKS THAN FIFTY SHADES OF GREY.

Heck, read RewritingBadBooks.

The only way bondage gear could possibly take reading to a new level is if you were to tie up your lazy partner with it… Then fasten a book in front of them.

Sadly, I don’t think that’s what the sex shop is getting at.

P.S. Chapter 3 will be coming soon. I would’ve finished sooner, but it’s really boring.

Good books:

I rewrite bad books, but I don’t like bad books. That’s why I call them bad.

In a perfect world, I wouldn’t rewrite anything (except a thousand drafts of my own manuscripts, of course).

Many of my lovely followers plan to go forth and spread good books to the world. Great! That’s awesome. Good books are amazing.

If you guys ever feel unsure about anything, feel free to send me an ask about specific writing, rewriting, or editing issues that you’d like me to cover between rewrites.

lovegunn asked: This is the greatest thing I've ever seen. Keep the editing notes coming, because a)they're hilarious b)they give me something to think about while writing, and I just started what will doubtless become a MAJOR project. So yeah- seeing another work through another editor's eyes really helps.

Thank you! I’m so pleased this project is helping people :)

Editing Tip!

Reread your work after a couple of drinks.

I don’t advise editing under the influence. The only time I tried, my grammar went to pieces and my plot fell apart (although I did end up with a nice selection of puns and penis jokes that were completely inappropriate for the manuscript at hand).

But if you’re in that phase of editing where you’re so close to your work that every single sentence makes you want to blow your brains out, have a drink. Two or three at most (not enough to get you drunk).

A little alcohol in your system will distance you from your manuscript, so you can read your story the way it was supposed to be read — as a whole — instead of seeing each standalone phrase as an inadequate disaster. As long as you’re not wasted, you’ll still pick up on the things that don’t work. Take note of these, and edit them when you’re sober.

If you’re of legal drinking age. Of course. ;)

Anonymous asked: Hi!! Thanks for doing this, holy shit was your first chapter was so legit and well written. I actually was getting into it because Ana was actually being a person, not someone ready to pounce on Christian. PS really appreciate your writing advice post working on a project myself and this helps.

Thank you much! I’ll definitely do more writing advice posts if people want them.

threatsex asked: While you're rewriting this book, how about fixing some of the BDSM technical issues. E.g. cable ties are too hard and too narrow to be safe for bondage, which is implicitly what Christian uses them for.

If you want, give me a heads up when I’m approaching chapters with BDSM elements, so I can do some research? I was informed that sex doesn’t actually start until like chapter 10, so I’ve been a bit lazy, research-wise. Because I’d only read the free Kindle sample before I started doing this, I’m not cutting too much of EL James’s orignal text.

If I had it my way, the first half of chapter two would be gone or integrated into the rest of the text. It was such an obvious “let’s meet the cast” deal. But I wasn’t sure whether José and the champagne cork of innuendo or Ana’s mom’s candle-making would be relevant later on, so the “scenes” had to stay.

Now that you’ve brought this issue up, when Ana eventually gets introduced to bondage, I’ll have her think back to the hardware store and mention the cable ties. Then Grey can say he was just flirting, testing her responses, blah blah blah, and they’re not actually appropriate for BDSM play.

Guys, don’t be afraid to correct, advise, and even criticise me. My own work is horror, so this is an entirely new genre for me to play in, and I appreciate everything you wonderful followers have to say.

Writing Tip!

I know this blog is about being snarky and rewriting horrible “literature”. But today I thought I’d share some notes about how I do it.

So, the tip:

Determine personality traits for your characters, and pin up a list of these traits somewhere you can see while writing. They should be a constant reminder of how your characters react to certain stimulus. Without a guideline, it’s easy for characters to get wailaid, sometimes doing things that fit the plot rather than their personalities. The traits you outline won’t be the only traits your characters have, but they’ll be predominant. When characters act in contradiction to these traits, they better have a damn good reason for doing so.

I like to come up with three positive and three negative traits for each character.

For example, on the wall beside my computer desk is a post-it which reads:

Ana Steele:

Positive Traits:
Spontaneous
Flexible
Responsible.

Negative Traits:
Stubborn
Judgmental
Indecisive.

This is a profile for the version of Ana who plays around in my rewrite. If EL James has a similar post-it, it likely says:

xXx Ana Steele 4 Christian Grey 4eva! xXx

thefourofcups-deactivated201304 asked: I found this blog while tracking the '50 Shades of Grey' tag. I must say in the simplest of terms that I like this blog so far and I look forward to reading the rest of what you post.

Thank you so much! :)