(Dear Ms. James, it’s okay to summarize, especially when your story is boring as fuck)
Didn’t think it was possible for anything to be more boring than Chapter 2? Think again!
Sorry I took so long with this, guys. I was able to do maybe two paragraphs a night before wanting to throw my computer across the room. “Bored now.”
Here are my editing notes:
THIS CONVERSATION IS SO STUPID.
Kate: “OH MY GOD, ANA, HE GAVE YOU HIS PHONE NUMBER TO ORGANISE THE PHOTOSHOOT. HE MUST LUUURVE YOU.”
Me: BUT HOW ELSE WOULD THEY SORT OUT THE PHOTOSHOOT WITH HIM? THAT’S OBVIOUSLY A BUSINESS NUMBER, NOT A PERSONAL ONE. MY GOD THESE CHARACTERS ARE STUPID.
The whole “BUT WHO WILL PHOTOGRAPH CHRISTIAN GREY?” drama is pointless. CUT.
OMG SHE SAID “RELATIONSHIP” LET ME SQUEAL LIKE A SMALL CHILD AND FORGET THAT PEOPLE HAVE CAN HAVE ALL SORTS OF RELATIONSHIPS. WITH THEIR FRIENDS, WITH THEIR FAMILY, THEIR COLLEAGUES, HELL, EVEN WITH THAT GUY WHO WORKS AT STARBUCKS MONDAY MORNING.
RELATIONSHIPS: Not just for people you’re fucking.
All that stuff about Ana calling José is unnecessary padding, and I’m cutting it.
I know that Ana calling Grey “sir” is supposed to foreshadow some-BDSM-thing, but it’s coming across as so CONTRIVED. Cut.
ANA ISN’T A PERSON. GOOD LORD. WHO GETS PISSY WHEN THEIR “BEST FRIEND” STARTS TALKING ABOUT GUYS WITH THEM? GUYS THEY LIKE?
Ana, unless you’re actually dreaming of his eyes literally smoking, while dressed in coveralls with long legs and long fingers, you’re having a sex dream.
I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt because it’s a dream, and I’ve had weirder ones. But smoking eyes shouldn’t make your DEEP DARK UNEXPLORED PLACES get excited.
Totally irrelevant side note: While we’re talking about dreams and writing… The other night, I had a dream that John Green was sitting on my couch. I fangirled and was all like, “OH MY GOD, CAN I TWEET THAT YOU’RE SITTING ON MY COUCH, JOHN GREEN?” He said yes. It was amazing.
The whole “WHO’S DRIVING IN WHAT CAR” drama? Yeah, it’s not drama. CUTCUTCUT.
By now it’s clear that EL doesn’t know how to write conflict.
The book says that Kate talked to the manager of the Heathman, and presumably told him about her article, because in exchange for a credit in said article, he let her have a free room for the morning. Yet when she gets there and explains she’s photographing OMG CHRISTIAN GREY, she’s upgraded to a suite. Surely she would have told the manager what the article was about when she called him?
This is SLOPPY writing. The conversation about being bumped up to a suite exists solely so the receptionist can point out that Christian Grey is staying in the hotel’s largest suite. LAZY, SLOPPY, BAD WRITING.
This pacing is baaaad.
His pants hang from his hips do they, James? Well he must be wearing them wrong. My pants hang from my nose.
SO MUCH OF THIS IS PADDING. SO MUCH UNNECESSARY SHIT. ARGH. SUMMARIZE, JAMES. SUMMARIZE YOUR CHARACTERS’ ACTIONS.
All that car drama is stupid. I am cutting it. Snip snip snip.
In my rewrite, you may notice me taking the piss out of how much Ana blushes. There’s something to look forward to.
How can it be hard to tell if someone is smiling or not? It can be hard to tell if someone is sincere or not, but smiles are pretty damn obvious. Grr.
No. No, I am not writing out Ana’s tea drinking ritual in detail like James did. It is stupid and irrelevant.
Guys, your protagonist is fascinated by some guy unwrapping a muffin.
“Hey babe. Want me to unwrap your muffin?”
All of that “You’re mysterious” stuff is only there because of this book’s Twilight origins. I’m cutting it. Christian Grey does not find Ana mysterious.
We’ve covered “introducing the family” in Chapter 2, and it was like pulling teeth then. I won’t go over it again.
I did not know that Chapter 3 could be more boring than Chapter 2. I clearly underestimated EL James. Chapter 3 is dreadful and full of uninteresting information, conveyed via obvious and contrived info-dumps.
MELODRAMATIC BICYCLE? WHAT THE FUCK. It’s gonna be a bus in my version. I’d like to run this chick over with it.